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Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space. Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead. Anality: The act of being anal retentive over something. Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works. Apple Computer: The fruit of rapid growth in a high-tech industry. Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves. The reason Mom’s sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Antifreeze: What happens to your mother’s sister when you steal her blanket. Apparently: As either mother or father would do it. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364. Archive: Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started. Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing). A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. Bad Taste: Simply saying the truth before it should be said. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area. ” Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro.
Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it. Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.” Allege: A high rock shelf. Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third. Aloha: A sound you hear when someone with a deep voice laughs. Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup. American Language: English run over by a musical comedy. Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again. Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting. Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats. Aqualibrium: The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B) squirting himself in the eye. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive. Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour. Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home. Event involving two bugs who fall in love and run away together. Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup. Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court. Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last. April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The best husband a woman can have - the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as ’a very good friend of mine’ by someone trying to impress people. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business. Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.
Ad Libber: A man who stays up all night to memorize spontaneous joe-ks. Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service; 2. Bubblegum: Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 8. The quality that keeps a woman smiling when a departing guest stands at the open screen door and lets the flies in. The period during which a man spends so much on his girlfriend that he finally marries her for his money; 4.
Addis Ababa: The torrent of incomprehensible gibberish which emanates from the loudspeakers on top of cars covered in stickers. Breaking The Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence. Budge It: If stuck with your debt, you can’t do this. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn’t keep you from spending more; 8. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen - and not enough U. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent. Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.
Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.
Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that’s not applicable to your area, about people you’ll never work with or issues you’ll never face. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. Coward: One, who in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech. Parish information, read only during the homily; 2. by injecting it into underground geological formations). Careerism: The widespread belief that life offers nothing so sublime as the opportunity to climb two or three steps up the corporate pyramid over a period of forty years. One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light; 2. A group which is often immobilized by greedlock; 5. Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything - just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching; 4. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great; 6. CPU: Central Propulsion Unit - the computer’s engine.
The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe. Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. It makes me mad.” Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat. Astronaut: A whirled traveller - the only man who is glad to be down and out. Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth’s surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging. The religion devoted to the worship of one’s own smug sense of superiority; 2. Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. Something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what’s wrong with it; 6. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists. Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing. Belper: A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt. Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record. Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month. Billow: What you sleep on when you have a bad cold. Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. Book Ends: The part of a book many girls read first. Book Review: A brief but informative essay that spares readers the ordeal of digesting an actual book. Books Never Written Bookworm: A person who would rather read than eat, or a worm that would rather eat than read. Boomerang Workers: Retirees returning to their previous employer. One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself; 10. A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies. Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can’t get a date; 4. Contraceptive: A labor-saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion. What you tell the police officer after the burglar has already escaped. Corn-On-The-Cob: The stuff you eat like you play a mouth organ. Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Counter-Irritant: The woman who shops all day and buys nothing. Country: A damp sort of place where all sorts of birds fly about uncooked. Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding. Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you’ve only seen the TV series. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife; 7. Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books. Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures). Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. One who is interesting to a point - the point of departure; 11. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it. Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin. Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office. Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it. Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. Agitato: A state of mind when ones finger slips in the middle of playing a piece. Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money. Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is. Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world. August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December. Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery. Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era; 6. Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at AM. Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications (i.e. The first ’test version’ of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. Altar Ego: Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly modest groom when taking his wedding vows. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered. Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash. Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits. Barnstorming: Brainstorm for pullet-zer prize winners. Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.
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Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.